The Dream

Hello minna-san,

I am back again. It is a very personal one and this time it is about a dream I had today.

I dream of an ex of mine. We were staying 3 weeks in one house together with our friends (his friends and 4 of my friends and a cousin of mine-my chaperone). It happened to be a celebration or sorts. So, I arrive with le cousin chaperoning me and his gf as there are other guys in the house. We were given our own designated room and I was his roomate with le cousin and his gf. We were practically trying to avoid each other for the next few days. The rest of the gang realized this and starts to leave us alone together inside the house without us realizing (their way of saying talk the shit out)

One day, everyone was out on an errand to get celebrations going and left the two of us alone. We bumped each other in the kitchen while I was washing the dishes and glasses and he was about to sit and have his lunch. I decided to approach and ask if both of us can talk. He nodded and once I am done, joined him at the table for lunch. I started a small conversation with him first asking him how was he and etc & he also does the same as well. Once we are done cleaning up our lunch plates, I sat back down and facing him. He was uncomfortable and was nervous. I ask him straight to the point, "Why did you dissapear without saying anything?" And that ladies and gentlemen, has him into panic mode. I was waiting for him to answer but when he looks reluctant to answer. Fed-up, I stand up and left him in kitchen. 

The next few days, we were starting to get comfortable with each other again. Interacted and had small talks. It was good again. All of the sudden it was sunshine and rainbows again. One afternoon, I was sitting and reading on my ereader in the living with some of our friends playing games. He came and sit next to me all of the sudden. What he did was he started to hold my hand and play with my hair as he looks at his friends playing games. I stop my reading and lay my head on his shoulder enjoying the attention without realizing I fell asleep. 

Fast forward to the day of the celebration, it was a feast and all of us was busy preparing and had fun. Karaoke, play games, chitchat catching up, barbeque & etc. I saw him answered his phone and moved away from all the noise. I get back into conversation with one of his friends' partner but not before he caught me looking and looking uncomfortable while on the phone. I decided not to ask until everything has calmed down and the celebration is done with. 

The next morning, I was cleaning up the kitchen and dishes and glasses left from the previous night, everyone is still sleeping and le cousin was outside sitting and vaping. He came into the kitchen, sat down and looks at me. Once I am done, I turned and look him. Neither of us says anything. I start to ask again, "why did you leave without saying anything all those years?" He looks at his hands, unable to answer. I ask why he didn't he reply any of my calls or text, what did I do wrong, etc. He looks down and unable to look at me, still not answering. I turned away, didn't realised I was crying and tried to wipe my tears. My cousin sudden appear in front with questioning look and he looks at me and looks at my ex and looks at me again. I told him, "Lan, I need to tell you something"...and I woke up to a puppy cries outside of my window. 

When I woke up, I was feeling emotionally drained and when I was at work this morning, I was already a sobbing mess as I texted my reiki & gaming friend and best friend. The feeling was so overwhelming that I cried in the office washroom. Never have I ever done that before while at work. Frustrated with work yes but never about personal life. 

My gaming friend said it comes from unresolved issues or trauma. The only way to let go and move on is to forgive and be grateful for the experience. When I talk to Gillian tonight, I became a sobbing mess again and she said it is because of how the relationship ended and how I did not give myself to be completely heal from the split. I do admit that I went to "I don't give a fuck" mode and been keeping it to myself. The heartbreak and frustration. Not telling anyone. The dream is a way to show that by keeping it in is just waiting for the dam to burst and boy, burst it did.  After the talk to both friends, I feel a bit better and went off to bed.

Moral of the story, don't keep everything to yourself. Don't wait until it overwhelms you. Talk to someone to ease the feelings coz it will "drown" you. 

Until then, 

Ja ne~